April Fool's Issue of The Southerner, 1994

Econ revitalizes math dep't

by Yoolah
        The new head of South's troubled math department, Mr. James "Jimbo"
Econ is beginning to breathe new life into the department, and intends to
continue until he runs out of breath.
        Econ seeks to implement a multitude of changes, the first of which
was to buy all new cookbooks for the department.  He justified the move,
saying that, "The old books were simply minussing too much from the
students' ability to get maw than a one on the AP, urgo, they all hedta be
replaced.  Now I hope to start giving less people the fingah."
        Science teacher Jerald "Give-Me-Some-Head" Levine supported the
action, adding, "I just hope he got some recipes by Julia Childs."  Science
department head Lewis "L-Squared" Love also supported Econ's efforts,
saying, "He's a hard worker, and he's got style."
        Upon assuming the position of department chairman, Econ was very
surprised at students' dismal view of math.  "Several students asked me,
'du really hefta know math?'  The answer is yes.  Irregardless of what
students think, knowing math is, unfortunately, integral in life.  It hesta
be."
        In addition to replacing the department's books, Econ seeks to
update South's math teaching practices by integrating the math department
with both the home economics and mechanical drawing departments.  The
change will take place by parts, beginning in September.  "People always
differentiate between these departments," he complained, "and it doesn't
hefta be that way."



Cave Sees The Light: A Black Hole!

By Scott Dubler
        On March 12, 1994, at 9:03 PM, Mr. John Cave and his astronomy
students claimed to observe the first black hole using the Great Neck South
observatory. The black hole was temporarily named SD1. If Cave is correct,
decades of work towards the current model of the universe will be
confirmed.
        The black hole was spotted during a routine observation of the
Andromeda Galaxy. Cave and his students knew that they discovered something
great when they looked through the telescope and saw only black. While one
witness to the discovery claims that the lens cap was left on the
telescope, Cave is still confident in his discovery.
        According to Cave, the black hole revolves around a white dwarf.
        Unfortunately this triumph for mankind quickly became a
controversial issue when the esteemed astrophysicist Jerry Lewis Farrakhan
from the Science of Islam claimed that the white dwarf revolves around the
black hole. The minister of science also claimed that the black hole, which
=46arrakahn calls Yakub, created the white dwarf five billion years ago.
=46arrakhan plans to have a march next week. Most scientists are ignoring
this controversy, mainly because it is a relatively insignificant matter.
        For many decades scientists tried to detect black holes by scanning
for high-frequency radiation and by measuring gravitational fields. Until
now, no scientist has used an optical telescope to look at a black hole. By
aiming the telescope at the blackest area in the sky, Cave and his students
have developed a revolutionary observing technique that will certainly
increase our knowledge of the universe.



We Had a Truly Marvelous Headline for This Article
Which This Margin Was Too Small to Contain

by Good ol' Galois
        Crisis paralyzed the math department yesterday when two
unidentified assailants stole teacher Al Cavallaro's list of math fair
project ideas and supply of colored pencils.
        Luckily, Cavallaro's supply of colored chalk was not apprehended,
and the department was able to function, albeit at emergency status.
However, the thefts of the list and colored pencils represent a serious
shortcoming in the department's security.
        While panic seized the school and, particularly, the math
department, Cavallaro seemed relatively undaunted, considering the
magnitude of the tragedy.  "Pretend, everybody," he commented, "that I'm
getting really angry and tearing my hair out."
        Authorities thought that it might be an open-and-shut case when
Cavallaro suggested the possibility that the culprit was an extremely
intelligent frog who would be easy to spot.  However, he quickly realized
that, were that the case, the assailant never would have gotten past the
door.
        With any hope of a quick investigation dashed, police searched
throughout the school and questioned, individually, 50,000 people in Yankee
Stadium in an effort to recover the stolen goods.
        Cavallaro objected to the latter action, saying, "You can kill a
fly with a bazooka, everybody, but, man, it's a little bit messy."
However, the police felt it was necessary to the investigation and
proceeded anyway.
        As time passed and the items had still not been recovered,
Cavallaro did show somewhat more concern, but he remained calm throughout.
"Aw jeez," he said repeatedly, "wouldn't it be nice, everybody, if I had my
colored pencils right about now?"  He also reminded his students several
times that they had not done their homework.
        After two hours of searching, in vain, for the stolen items, the
math department appealed to the school administration which, armed with
hi-tech walkie-talkies, was able to mobilize quickly and efficiently.
        Thirty minutes later, the missing items were found stashed in a
drawer in the English office.  Allegations have been made that English
department chairwoman Susan Stone stole the items in retaliation for her
perpetually missing chalk.
        No charges have been filed, however, against Stone.  Cavallaro is
not seeking to file charges, and is just happy that his coveted colored
pencils and math fair ideas have been returned safely.


Philosophy Teachers Battle
Spectators Electrified as Tensions Increase

by Julia Caesar and Ione Styne
        A much-touted Student Government-sponsored debate between social
studies teacher Norm Wheeler and physics teacher Phil Mogul came to blows
last Wednesday, in the G.P. Room fourth period. The planned subjects of the
session ranged from Aristotle to the downfall of America to female drivers.
        The debate began on a disturbing note, when Mogul insisted that it
was not in fact Brutus who had stabbed Caesar in the groin, but in fact a
little-known Senator named Torquus. He had obtained this information, he
claimed, when working in the top-secret CIA Operation Integratius (a
project planned to counter the destruction wrought by Operation
Differentius.)
        Animosity rose when Wheeler argued that America would not fall as
Rome had because "who are the Guardians of our civilization? These students
are!"  Mogul was infuriated by this statement and expounded on the
deteriorating nature of Physics students.
        "It was a Phil-ibuster, is all I can say," Wheeler said later. "I
had to hit him."
        As the bell rang and Mogul's response went into a second half-hour,
Wheeler whirled on the G.P. Room stage and delivered a karate kick to the
elder teacher's upper arm.
        "He's just not Norm-al!" Mogul insisted, rubbing his humerus. "A
wrist-throttle I can understand, but a kick is unnecessary. The body isn't
Play-doh. You can't just Sock a man like he's a Rat!"
        And Wheeler responded: "It was the heat of the moment-um=8AIt's a
=46ree Quency!"
        Bystanders were shocked, but most students agreed that the debate
was worth missing math class.





        The New York Islanders announced yesterday that they have come to
terms with hold-out goalie James "the Big Puck" Johnson on a sixteen year
 million dollar contract.  Johnson, formerly of the Hawaii Rainbow
Warriors, refused to sign after being the first pick in the 1993 NHL draft.
        Johnson's agent Susan Stone was known to have said of the
talent-laden former college star, "He's good." Johnson himself, in a
remarkable show of modesty said, "I move like a butterfly and sting like a
bee. I'm the greatest of all time."
        Ron Hextall, now being replaced by "the Big Puck," bitterly
comments, "The pucks just bounce right off him. I can't begin to compete."
        Endorsements abound for this larger-than-life McGoalie. He is now
the premier athletic star, replacing Michael Jordan and Charles Barkley. He
received a call from President Clinton asking him to prepare a new health
care plan for America. Hillary Clinton said, "I'd leave my husband for
him."
        Despite charges that Johnson is on anabolic steroids, he claims, "I
am not East German, nor have I ever visited the former Communist-bloc."
However, ex-"significant other" international star figure skater Katarina
Witt said "He's lying, I tell you.  A pack of lies.  We frequented numerous
East Berlin bars for the world-class body bowling and bratwurst.  Those
were the days."
        Regardless, Johnson is expected to be an enormous star for his
future team. As of now, Johnson is a teacher of Norwegian martial arts at
Great Neck South High School.



Yo! Ruesch Raps!

by William Safire
        Under pressure from students and parents, the foreign language
department announced today that starting in 1995, a course entitled
"Introduction to Jive" will be available.
        The course, to be taught by Al Ruesch, will teach students to
understand and speak the various urban dialects of American English, a
skill that many in Great Neck are lacking.
        For example, for "Excuse me sir," the correct translation would be
"Yo G, step off or you get your neck broke." The proper translation of
"That is a nice dress," would be "Phat threads, your body's booming and
you're fly" or "You got it goin' on, like pow-pow-pow."
        "The class is mad fly" said Ruesch. "We droppin' science." Senior
Howard Moskowitz agreed. "I have always wanted to sound like a member of
the Hip Hop Nation."  In showing off his abilities, Moskowitz said, "Yo,
it's 'da bomb!"
        The course will utilize Fab Five Freddies "Hip Hop Dictionary," The
Source magazine, and other important exemplars of the Hip Hop dialectt to
better illustrate the unique quality of the language.
        For students who are having problems with the class,
Hooked-On-Hip-Hop-Phonics will be available, featuring Wu-Tang Clan and
other promnent rap artists who break it down and make it more accessible.



Mentals Chain Gang to Trees

by Ollie Gee
        In an unexpected departure from their usual conciliatory policies,
the environmental club staged a walkout last Friday at 10 a.m.
        "We tried to get you to recycle," explained co-president senior Amy
Anderson, who had chained herself to a tree by the front entrance. "We
tried asking nicely, but it just didn't work."
        "Drastic measures were needed!" shouted down co-president senior
Debbie Feuerman, chained higher in the same tree.
        Midway through third period Friday, all nine members of the club
silently stood and left their classes. They met in front of the school,
where Anderson and Fueueurman waited with steel chains they had stolen from
the English department. Using purloined gym locks, they helped bind their
fellow members to trees and bannisters before chaining themselves.
        "We burned Mr. Leibertz's attendance book, which has the
combinations, so no one can free us," Anderson added. "We will not be moved
until the school agrees to punish non-recycling by immediate suspension!"
        The chained members seemed calm but firm, singing "We Shall
Overcome", "On Top of Old Smokey" and "It's Not Easy Being Green." A crowd
soon formed to gawk at the immobilized tree-huggers, and security had to be
brought in.
        According to Principal Thomas Heinegg, "the administration supports
recycling," but he did not outline a specific new policy. "The students
have a right to protest," he said, "and they can exercise that right. We
will allow them to stay chained until a new policy s put into effect-after
the BCG, Goalsetting, and the Board of Ed approve one, of course."
        Commented chained sophomore Ed Young, "I have to go to the bathroom."